Pay Attention

I watched the light in your eyes die out, 

And like many a twinkling star, the deepest reaches of space poured from your sockets,

I’d give my life to you for a smile, or a snuggle, or hell, for a curt nod of recognition. 

No one sees me, anymore and it’s deafening here in this echo chamber that holds only my own breath, 

Everyone views me as an object but who I truly am is lost amongst the cosmos, 

I’m an interplanetary fuck up, just wishing it was easier to finally give up. 

I’d count your breaths while you’re sleeping, to make sure you’d always come back to me, 

And I’d caress your cheeks as I kissed you, letting my fingers play with the edges of your lips, tasting your teeth and tongue, 

I’d give my entire life to you, I’d give you it all, and I’d never faulter or doubt my decision. 

I’d swim seas for those eyes, deflated, and I’d move mountains to feel the corded muscle of your arms around my shoulders. 

Maybe that’s the problem, I give my love to those who could never love me in the same capacity, 

And it’s fucking killing me, everyone’s laughing now as I’m drowning here and flailing and unable to keep my head above water,

When all I want is to be your universe, to place deep space back into your head and make sure you dream of the outer reaches of existence with me. 

But no one ever wants forever with someone who promises them every desire, no one ever wants forever with someone who would throw away everything for their well being,

No one ever wants forever, anymore. 

No one ever wants forever with me. 

But pay attention and heed these words, 

Someone will want forever with you, once I’m no longer here, once I’m back in space, waiting for the world to burn out, waiting for you to pay attention. 

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Never Knew

I have loved you my entire life, I just didn’t know how to find you,

I have needed you my entire existence, I just didn’t know until now,

I craved a love like this, sitting listless and counting whispers for eons,

Deep inside of me blooms a flower that encompasses everything we are,  we flourish and decay internally,

And we wilt for one another because we cannot overtake each other, and we require the same amount of sunshine,

I love you more than myself because I know what lies within my skin,  but you are my mirror and you understand my demons,

Because they play well with yours and I’m frantic, ecstatic at the prospect that this is real and you’re all mine,

But I’ve lived life inside my mind and I can’t believe you actually exist, because you never existed,

And I never knew it could hurt to love someone, that it would physically cripple me to miss you,

I’m paralyzed and I never knew that my world would be turned upside down, spinning circles around myself while trying to stop,

Every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade won’t be enough time to share life with you,

And every moment without you is a thousand years, running in place and not progressing,

With you my life begins and I cannot wait to be born anew, I will help you rise from the ashes, my phoenix, my beast,

You’re what I’m missing and I’m blind, I can’t find you, I can’t touch you, let me come home.

Christopher Robin

When you sit alone, you sit with your past,

And lately I cannot remember the last time I didn’t feel empty.

Only darkness reveals the brightest stars, 

Brought to life by fists and spittle on cheeks split open. 

I can’t remember my last good night’s sleep, 

I go so long without rest that I could convince myself I’m a vampire. 

I want to fly a million miles away from here, 

Only to walk a million miles right back to this same front porch. 

I’ve changed myself for everyone because there’s no way they could handle what lives within my heart, 

But I never even contemplated hiding myself from you because somehow I knew you were strong enough to understand it. 

Every day I feel like I am Satan, 

Afraid to admit to myself just what a monster I have become. 

Because what is the purpose of a life without music, 

A song without a melody, just instruments in a competition to be the most brazen.

I Can’t Remember 

Twenty-one hours without sleep and my soul is waiting, 

With secrets to keep and the hope, alive, that the knight will rescue the maiden. 

But I’m her, locked in a tower above the world, 

Kept from you because I can’t remember. 

It’s been twenty-one hours since I’ve woken up, alone, without your face to greet me, 

And I can’t remember what your skin smells like because I’ve never known. 

It’s been twenty-one days since the first time I saw your face from an entire world away and realized that you were the most important part, 

The perfect little piece to fill out my imperfect little puzzle, and now maybe people will see who I really am. 

I want you to yell at me from the bedroom, about how I always share way too many details when we’re around our friends, 

While I yell back about how tired I am of you watching the next episode of Rick and Morty without me. 

To tell our grandchildren about the epic love story we have, but it wasn’t always roses,

Every day I wish for death because a moment without you is an eternity without oxygen. 

You’re the only clean breath of air I’ve ever tasted and the sun is rising up to warm my skin, 

While I sit here fading away from the overdose, I’m drowning, I’ve told you, I’m giving in. 

Because I can’t remember a single thing about you, because they’ve never been mine to store away within my head, 

And I have always been without you, and I always will be as the concrete dampens and bleeds red. 

We play pretend

I feel like I’m losing my faith in fairy tales,

Because everyone only wants sex.

Like, sex is great, but have you ever tried watching movies and cuddling?

Dancing in the kitchen at 3am to nothing?

Sitting outside together, watching the stars?

We play pretend with each other,

We live these lives that have absolutely no purpose and build them up to become empires.

I find myself lost in your eyes and then I have to blink,

I try so hard not to, waiting until the very last second to close my eyes.

When they reopen, you’re not there and it crushes me,

Because I don’t think happily ever after even exists in today’s society.

Do you have a Snapchat?

Follow me on Instagram!

You liked my Facebook post,

I’m glad you agree with the thought I stole from another.

I only just exist here,

I’m tolerated just enough to not be cast away by everyone.

A well timed verse in a song that plays on a loop throughout our encounters,

But you’re deaf and the melody is lost entirely.

After

I’ll speak to you of times where the whole world was yours in my eyes, 

And I’ll show you that you’re worth every grain of sand. 

I’ll play music for you when I have a free moment,

Because the lyrics can say to you what I have a thousand times, but you’ve never heard the words. 

Your brain is too busy and the voices in there are playing over one another, 

Violent and cutting off my broadcast to your heart. 

I would have followed you anywhere at a moment’s notice,

Like a puppy waiting for you to lean down and scratch me. 

Sickness and cycles of seeking validation through men who were not you, 

And never could be because you’re the only you I’ve ever know. 

I may have always been an afterthought but I’m content in knowing I was a thought at all, 

And you have always been at the forefront of this because I can’t seem to cut the little strings that still attach me to you. 

All I’ve ever fantasized is that you’ll finally see me, 

You have and it’s killing me because the timing is never right. 

As so many small pains consume you, 

I’m restless from not being able to finally being you peace. 

I’ll never be what I wanted and I’ll never compare to what you’ve had, 

The only thing I could ever hope for is to be what chased away the bad. 

Hopeless is this wandering heart of mine, 

Still lost in the forest that’s grown from my emotions. 

I’d live on a thousand different planes of existence, 

If I found you at the end. 

Blind

The cacophony of every picture frame in the hall dropping and shattering upon the tile 

And the earthquake that’s destroyed our home is a freight train going far too fast upon shoddy tracks 

Because this happened quicker than it should have, but that’s entirely trivial 

The only thing that exists in this world is the thought of where I’ll be when I’m finally whole 

Over a thousand miles long is the string that runs from your heart to mine 

And it keeps tugging, deep within me, this little ball of twine 

There’s nothing left but the hollow core and the tether is stretched tight 

You keep moving farther away, making each of my actions it’s own war

The moment you tell me to, I’ll wind the string back up 

And use it to fill my empty chest and provide warmth for rats 

Gravity is pulling me across this vast canyon between our worlds 

But I must stand eerily still, fore if I move another inch I’ll be falling to my death 

All I’ve ever wanted is to taste your lips and feel your hands deep inside me 

Voicing a Coyote’s mournful cries, I unleash wails that rock mountains 

So I’m leaving here tomorrow with only a bag of clothes, and I’ll see you when I see you 

You feel me coming, I know 

The Earth is damp and my shoes sink in, I’m stuck in purgatory, my laces are double knotted 

I’m running in place because I cannot figure out how to turn off this forcefield 

I can’t pass, won’t pass, shall not pass and it’s the most tortuous endeavor I’ve ever embarked upon 

To know you’re so close but you’re not mine 

To know you’re living just like I am but you’re not living with me 

So I’m leaving here next week and I’ll see you when I see you 

But I’ve always seen you, in every place I’ve searched for you 

I thought you a lie, I thought you a fantasy that I never deserved to experience

Alas, you stand before me and you can’t accept yourself 

Because you’re shaking and weary and believe yourself to be so much less than I do 

But you’ve been blinded, acid rain pouring down and stripping you of the skin you’ve grown accustomed to 

A phoenix you’ve become and the remnants wash away, because you’ll one day see you’re perfect 

You’ll one day see you’re worth it

You’ll one day believe in me

Somehow this gorgeous creature was hobbled, forced to limp through days turned nights and nights that became eternal 

Insufferable, I’m just tossing and turning and praying for a moment’s peace 

To lose myself in the still waters of your pupils as I skip rocks and forget the days that I never should have remembered 

So I’ll leave here next month, and I’ll see you when I see you 

But I don’t know where I’m going because I’ve always lived here, waiting for you to tell me 

To tell me more than that you need me, to tell me more than that you want me 

To tell me more than that you love me, I need you to open the door and welcome me home 

Four words light the way through this darkness that has blacked out the world 

Four words that I’ve been following my whole life 

Four words, spaced out upon the twine that binds me to you 

Come home, my dear 

Now, it’s dark. 

Every time I readjust my position on the leather of the tattered couch, the squeals of protest wake the dead. 

The springs are worn out and the cushions are peeling but my skin enjoys the rough texture, it reminds me that I can still feel. 

All I’ve ever wanted is to watch the sun break apart the darkness and marvel at the most hypnotizing sight I’ve ever fantasized, the glow of sunbeams kissing your cheeks and your nose and illuminating your eyes. 

Your pupils constrict and tears well along the water lines above thick lashes, your face turns from me like it always does. 

Promises and lies both taste the same in the dark, the entire world is sanguine and charcoal and your gaze is downcast.

We’re both two shattered pieces of pottery being unearthed from the same archaeological dig, and I feel that some of our fragments were probably switched around. 

When you speak to me, I hear you so clearly that everything resonates with the deepest vibration, my legs are shaking and I’m left wide open. 

You claim that you’re a novelty, biding your time until the shine wears through and only fingerprints remain upon your exterior, wishing they were placed upon your soul instead. 

But to me you were never that, and you never would be, because I understand what it’s like to be that exciting stepping stone on the way to a different river. 

I am a pickaxe and you’re a diamond that’s not yet been shaped and cut and polished to it’s true splendor. 

The raw power held within you is earth shattering, as I feel the shockwaves rock the soles of my feet and I scramble for purchase against the mountain I’ve been climbing my entire life. 

My mouth, a siren calling sailors to bathe with me upon the shores of an eternity completely made up of pain, deceit, and worry. 

Home is found within another’s heart and the blood runs red, and black, and courses through every fold of skin because it’s wet here.

It’s warm and welcoming and I beckon you to enter me, to let me envelope you and heal your wounds by wrapping you in a tourniquet of lips below belts that never become unbuckled. 

It’s warm inside this house I’ve built for you from the bones I’ve broken within myself while searching for a square peg to fill the round holes I pushed through my ribcage, into the organ that keeps the cold machine I conduct moving. 

I splay my legs open as your thunder rumbles through my throat and I cry out to the skies above me for time to stand still, for this very moment to be embossed upon the filmstrip I’ll replay in my mind before I sleep, if I sleep, to allow me to fucking sleep. 

Because your voice is a cool breeze, a warm hand running fingertips electric up and down my vertebrae while I tremble, a lillie in a windstorm, torn from it’s stem. 

I’ve never been what I’ve wanted and I’ve never been what anyone desired but when you speak to me, I listen. 

Through ice sleeting against the sides of this shack I have haphazardly constructed for you, I hear the soft rustle of your lips over iceburgs. 

It’s warm within this house I’ve built for you, but the walls are unadorned and it all feels so damned impersonal but there’s a fire set at the hearth and eternal soup to warm our bellies. 

Because it’s warm within this secret alcove I’ve carved from my own subservience.

It’s warm, and while I drift lustfully to sleep as I watch a thousand sunsets and sunrises cycle across the bridge of your nose, I place an ear to your chest and count your breath because we never know how much time the world has left for us. 

And the banquet I bare to you is there for the taking, because it’s warm within the home I wish to share with you, it’s so warm inside this fire I’ve been dampening for my entire lifetime.

If there’s anything here for you take away as you live your life in a place I have no way to follow you through, it’s that I promise you it’s warm here; it’s warm here and I listen. 

Probably Isn’t A Poem

Falling apart, falling in line, falling down, falling all over myself, falling. 

Falling. 

I’ve gotten so adept at brushing myself off that grass stains don’t dare mar my knees. 

Tired, so tired, but if I close my eyes for a second then three hours turns into three years turns into three lifetimes turns into three eternities…

Open, always open and bright and moist because if I close my eyes I’m happy, if I close my eyes I am safe. 

I don’t expect anything from you because I understand but I hope for everything from you because I know exactly what I am. 

You’re the most beautiful thing to ever brush past me in a lifetime of disassociation and pain. 

I’m gorgeous when I’m trapped in your tractor beam, you’re drawing my soul from my body, I’m floating, I swear it. 

You’re the perfect piece to complete the abstract puzzle that is my entirety, the leftover bits that never fit anywhere could form a cocoon to nurture you. 

But as a spider, I was never any good at spinning webs, I was never any good at possessing what I needed, I was an inept arachnid being devoured by a rival with an elaborate trap. 

I was a child in a sandbox, finding a cat turd but still being happy because I was a child and my life was still meaningful. 

Except it never was, but I play my part and I make up the lines as I wax poetic, hiding myself from myself for myself under the guise of protection. 

Activate shields, Captain! We’re getting massacred, Captain! We’re going down, Captain! We’re losing altitude, Captain! We need help, Captain! 

The helm is barren, a ghost crew is hardly able to skirt around the collision course we’re set on. 

But sunsets are raw intensity, and your eyes are every grand achievement I’ve ever wished for, and your laugh is my heartbeat. 

I’m trussed up, complete stasis, and no one is around to open my capsule. 

So the confines of my skull close in as the decompression of each and every other chamber deafens me but I’m still waiting to be set free. 

Your prose is electric and haphazard and ruined, just like me. 

Just like me. 

You’re just like me, and that’s why I’ll always be waiting, even though I promised you that it’d break my heart to watch you live a life where I wasn’t the center of it. 

I’d crush everything that ever mattered most, I’d watch a thousand relationships come to close, I’d watch you marry, and produce angels to fill heaven, and marry women I could never be. 

I’d wait on the hillside as the grass blocked out my line of sight, and I’d be happy waiting for that moment that may never come because I know that if it ever does, I’ll raise you up above me, watch you grow ever so brilliant. 

My heart is full to bursting, as blood leaks from every pore, and I’ll continue waiting here, forever, and a day more.

You’re everything, ever, splayed out before me, so honest, wide open, vulnerable, and pink, and fresh, and nothing else ever was. 

My life started over, today, and because of you I have one hope. I have one wish. I have one dream. I want to show you how it feels to be loved, and to be loved only by me. 

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