This is the first night I’ve spent completely alone (no one else in the domicile) in about 6 years. It’s an odd feeling, knowing that there’s no one here but you.
Knowing that no one will be getting a 3am glass of water or coughing. Knowing your mom isn’t going to bang around in the god damned kitchen at 7am making coffee. Knowing your dad isn’t going to wake up wrong, again, and scream until he’s red.
Knowing you won’t hear the one you love’s breathing. Knowing that no one is near enough to sense clearly.
It’s an odd feeling but I live for making myself uncomfortable. I need this experience to ensure I cherish the next moment, where I’m not utterly alone, tenfold.
I need this moment to fuel the way I produce change in myself. I need this moment to show you that I’m stronger than I think sometimes, to show you I can do better, can love you better.
I need this moment for me. I need to know that at the end of the day, there might not be anyone there to hear you scream. And if they aren’t, well…you have to make damn sure that you take control of yourself and refuse to be a victim of fear.
Stop being scared. If you allow yourself to succumb, you allow yourself to become easy prey for fear.
Fear turns you into a snarling, wretched beast. Foul smelling and incoherent. Psychotic and walled in…cornered and protective over trivialities that are so insignificant it’s crazy.
You lose yourself. You lose that light beaming from within you. You lose your passion and your happiness and sanity.
I didn’t write this for any particular reason. But I needed to write this, and if you needed to read this, I’m glad. I love you and you matter. You amaze and astound me, inspire me in all ways.
I love you and I thank you for knowing I’m not perfect. For knowing that change is hard, and takes time, and involves mistakes and compromises and understanding.
I love you. Thank you for understanding so deeply how to love another being. Thank you for continuing to believe in me and for having faith.
I’ve never known faith until you. I’ve never known love until you. I’ve never wanted to fix me.
Now, I do.
Now, I am.